Love

Love to me is completely unconditional.

It's a beautiful sunrise to sunset in words.

It's good morning darling, did you sleep well? Love is asking if you're hungry physically but also, in your soul.

Love is fully making sure someone feels safe. It's the have fun, drive safe, I care about you deeply feeling that is said and sincere.

Love is a deep conversation in the middle of the night while being surrounded by warmth.

Love is being in the woods along with my tribe of friends who have become family.

Love is captured with gentle touch to genuine passion.

Love is important.

Love is love is love.

It's what keeps us all going. 

Overdose awareness day

I've been slacking with the writing. I'm gonna get back into a rhythm of it again. 

Today is one of those days with a lot of reflection.

I'm not a fan of the hard drugs. It's not ever been my thing. I've always told my kids to stay away from them. And I'm very hopeful that they will. I've seen first hand the ugliness of what they can do. I try to be understanding about addiction but it can be hard from an outsider. I don't want to be judgemental in general but this is something that still bothers me in a way that I'm trying to not though. 

I had this plan of writing up something profound & delving into it but then that energy diverted & it went somewhere else. Now this is about as much as I've got.

Well this seems fitting

 

This truly seems so right with how things have gone in the past few months. You never know when you don't really know someone beyond the persona that they portray. It's the actions that really show their true colors as well.

I'm making peace with all the things I cannot control and I'm absolutely ok with it.

Letting go & completely healing is linear & never quite what you might expect. It's so true too that it might sting harder. But I am coming out from this transformation & transition of everything a bigger person; he will never see what is going to become of me & my happiness

Heavenly birthday wishes

Jay, today would have been your half century birthday & you are so terribly missed. 

What an incredible man that I got to call my brother-in-law for all the years that I did. And although I was no longer married into your family, you still welcomed me as such and it was great to see you when I did. You were an amazing husband, father, son, brother, Uncle and friend who made everyone smile and laugh in your presence. I miss you dearly. 

"If you have love in your heart, let it show." He had so much love in his. 

Cheers to the sky for you tonight, Jay.

 

A couple of days off

It was a lovely busy couple of days. And then I got a little less intrigued with writing. 

My cousin got married. I'm very happy for them.

Yesterday was a day of rest & recuperation.

It's a rainy gloomy day that makes me just want to lounge even though I've got things to get accomplished today. We'll see how much gets done. Caffeine might help. 

Soul quenching day

As I lay my sun kissed (and a little crispy in spots) body down for the evening, I'm feeling so fulfilled along with wiped out from the day in the sun at the beach!

It was such a lovely day filled with delicious food, beverages, breezes, sand and salty water with incredible waves.

I'll just leave the post with pictures from the day to sum up the awesomeness.

Take it all in

Enjoy a simple breeze & contemplate everything.

That's how I'm intending to spend this little moment in time.

The rotation of emotions that can come & go filter in from one moment to the next.

Sometimes all I need is a good belly laugh that makes me snort. Then I listen to some lyrics that hit me differently then I had ever noticed before to make me cry one of those intense bawl to release it all. After then, I pick myself back up, make a good chai along with a delicious meal to head out to just sit.

The routine of sitting out is one that I'm so grateful to continue with. Just to be in this moment. 

The little things can be so big

Sitting here pondering thoughts while I caffeinate my mind.

It's crazy how quickly things that seemed so concrete & sure can just change in the tip of a hat. This week is one of those memory inducing, needing to rewrite the script so that I don't go back to the weepy moments. But I can't help but have the twinges of sadness seeing photos appear. I do want to change the narrative of how this week is for the future though & attempt to flip the switch to make it less about what was & the awesome that has yet to come. 

I am focusing on me & making the best version that can be both mentally & physically. Still a work in progress but one that I'm happy to have. A shift into a vibe that I'm really enjoying illuminating out into the world. 

Morning recharge

 

Each morning since the heatwave finally broke & it's now not hot as balls outside, I've made a caffeinated beverage & sat out soaking in the sun. It's been really rejuvenating to begin the day this way. I'll keep up the routine of this as it's really made a change in how the rest of the day is. It's been really nice just sitting in the moment & taking it all in. 

Missed a day, that's ok. I'm a proud band mama

I was on a roll of each day posting... 

The day got away from me yesterday & it almost did today as well. I think I was sidetracked & then it was time for the show. So I'm behind a day in it. 

It's always so great getting to see Eleanor & the Pretty Things play, especially when it's their home turf of their usual spot. Alchemy is in an even better building now, saying goodbye to the one with all those stairs is not missed by anyone but I know especially the bands having to lug up all their stuff up & down those damn stairs.

To ease in to this being the bass players first ever gig, they did their set in the basement before the show. It was nice getting to have a dance party in the living room before the show. 

My bestie & I got into the car & headed to the show. We got there so early, which is a first for us. The nice thing about being the band mom is that I know when their set is to know when to come but we decided to check out the band before us, watch them play & then head out. In some ways it's really great that these shows at Alchemy are so early when they're on the early side of the bill, that way we can continue on with our evening & the band gets to enjoy the other people there without it being so late.

There's a new sound working for them & it was so epic. The sound in there was incredible. Also I was really amused & thought it was so cool that he had his board hooked up to a tablet so that he could move around. I just thought it was so great & gave the ability to have him hear what sounds were throughout the venue. I think this was the best sounding show that ETPT had ever had in my opinion. I have been to a LOT of their shows, I was trying to figure how many I have been to, I'll have to sit down & actually count to see because I'm sure it probably surpasses most of the bands I've followed. But it was really awesome being able to clearly hear the vocals along with the instruments. 

I'm hopeful, and I know they are too, that they get the 'new' music out into the public released that they recorded last fall. It's pretty much mastered & ready, I think it just needs fine tuning before it gets out to everyone. But it's always cool getting to hear them play it on a stage & live. There's nothing better than that. The energy that these 4 have & the passion they give out to the crowd is amazing being 20 something's. 

It's incredible to hear the original ideas that they have for music come to life & watch them pour out their feelings to an audience is so cool.

They played their set, I gave high 5's & hugs & as my son was breaking down his equipment, he was like so you guys out of here? Well yes, he knows us well but I did still want to say goodbye. It was pretty funny. He wasn't wrong, we were leaving right after but still. The best thing about them playing so early, was that it was still light out when we headed out of the venue & enjoyably went to dinner. 

I'm ready for their next show. I think it'll be really great. They just keep getting better. It makes me such a proud mama, to all of the boys- even if just one of them is biologically mine. 

Sweet relief

It's so great to finally have the heatwave broken & be able to give the ac a bit of a break.

Today is my daughter's last day at camp as a counselor.  And possibly her last day at this camp that she's been going to since she was 9. She rose thru the ranks & we'll see if she ends up going back next year or if this is it. We shall see. It was also my last day of helping put together her lunches, which I know some people think it's ridiculous that I was still doing this but it really has been the only "mom" thing that I was still holding onto & doing for her. So a lot of today is bittersweet.

The sun is shining brightly with a nice breeze in the air as it's day after a full moon. I'm feeling pretty recharged myself from it.

Tomorrow the band has a gig & it should be a good one at their usual venue in Providence. They have a good friend who is filling in on bass for them & will be his first show ever playing at, so that'll be exciting to be apart of for everyone! 

Feeling the feels

I think today I'm kind of in it.

I'm feeling a bit off. I'll listen to that feeling by both being kind to myself & napping when I hear my body saying it's tired. According to my FitBit app, I actually got a really good night of sleep yet I'm thinking that I'm emotionally tired. So I'll listen & lay down for a snooze when necessary.

I think my body is responding to knowing what the date is & how life can change so quickly in the blink of an eye. Once upon a time I was posting silly social media nonsense that caught the attention of those around me. Little did I know that life could change in an instance & it's continuing to do so.

So today I'm going to lean into whatever feelings I've got & ride the wave of them. 

Today's random thoughts

I really am getting into a groove of birth movement of my body & my brain.

It's definitely a nice rhythm to be having lately as it seems to keep me going.

I just completed a parent orientation about my daughter starting college. I thought it was going to be something that was a little more in depth but it was a nice little overview. Trying to get everything in place for her before she heads off is pretty great. I have quite a few friends who are sending their kids off for the first time. I seem to not be worried or emotional about her heading off, maybe because we have spent time apart or maybe that this is the 2nd time around. I feel calm about it and I'm ready for her in a very excited way. I'm sure there's going to be emotions from me when she actually leaves but for now, I'm doing just fine. 

I'm a very lucky band mom this week getting to have 2 practices in the basement along with a show over the weekend. Not too shabby getting to have so much access to such great live music, I'll take it. 

No thank you to being a Dateline episode

I watch a lot of true crime. I was into it before it was a thing that became popular.

I've seen a lot of different episodes to know that the first person they look at as suspect is the spouse or the girlfriend. 

This is most likely what leads me to not try to contact any of the ex's family even though I truly did want to reach out. Yet I figured it would be best not to do so. Also I'm all set with the possibility that something awful could occur from it. Instead I'll just sit back over here, knowing the karma will do it's job and that I can just live my best life and heal from all of this from afar.

"It started like any other ordinary day." Said in typical Keith Morrison voice, because it would only be him saying this & then we all know as I am a middle aged white woman, what happens next. 

What I do hope happens is that the box of all the stuff that I had given him, appears out of no where after everything has settled. That would be great but I have this feeling that he just got rid of it all. It is what it is. 

Rested and ready

Today is another day. And a much better one. 

I think my mind purge from last night was truly helpful. Along with feeling all of the feels and letting them come the way they need to.

I slept so peaceful and soundly last night. Like a true weight was lifted. I actually remembered my dreams, so that, to me, is a very successful night of sleep. 

I'm going to try to be productive as much as I can be but at the same time I'm going to give myself grace if it doesn't happen. For now just making a great cappuccino with a delicious breakfast is what is bringing me the most joy and we'll see what comes after. 

Nighttime is my struggle

I'm so tired yet can't sleep at the same time.

I am ready for my getaway to Indiana to happen now, luckily it's only a month away but still so far & when it does come, it always goes too quickly when we're in it.

Memories keep creeping in when I least think that they will. Especially when I lay down to go to bed. That's when I'm the most restful and restless all at once.

Pictures randomly occur when I'm looking for something else and all of a sudden the waterworks just decide to do their thing. I'm listening to what my body needs with emotions but this healing thing is so linear and all over the place.

The most painful thing about the breakup was that he had me believe all these years that the girls and the grandbabies were mine as well, when in reality they never were. And that hurts the most. Also what I'm never going to understand what went thru his mind to do such a thing. That I'll never get closure from. I've forgiven a lot from this relationship already but it's going to take a long time to from that part of the falsities. 

I'm going to meditate and listen to a sleep story to hopefully quiet my mind and get the much needed rest for the evening. 

What a slacker

I took yet another hiatus.

It felt like I didn't have much to say again so I just let this go for a bit. But now I'm here. 

I had a wonderful getaway camping trip with a dear friend. It was nice but came & went quicker than I wish it could've been. Then again I think we might have started to annoy one another if it were. I'm ready for the excursion to Indiana now. As much as I don't want to rush time, it's time.

We're officially counting down to the move-in on campus for my daughter. Yesterday marked exactly one month to go. I'm excited for her, also she's not going too far away so I'm sure I'll see her or at least get the occasional message here & there. 

My son went on an incredible cross country adventure with his friend traveling 14 states until the car decided it was done & they had to Amtrak it home. It took 2 days to get from Oklahoma to here!! Luckily he was back in time because the band had a gig!! He literally got home the night before!! It was their first show since October. This band mama of course was in attendance & it was great. 

Took a break for healing

I just wasn't feeling much like myself for a bit.

I needed to work thru the emotions coming.

I have been doing just that and now I'm back to writing again. 

Especially since the crickets of contact that happened when the date of things that were supposed to originally be happening when in reality they never existed and I had to work thru that with my emotions. I feel at peace about it even though it is hard. 

I'm coming back more to me. 

Transitions of life and leaves being turned over and it really is such a good thing. 

Peace release

Today I'm just going to let everything be.

I'm ok with how today is.

Everything happens for a reason.

Someday in the near future I'm going to see exactly what that reason was.

I think these years in a nutshell happened so I could see the awesome person that I am and that I can be super loving and positive and kind even when those around me aren't.

The universe nudged me in the right direction. And it knew I needed it. 

Time to pick up this again

I stepped away from writing for a little bit but I want to sit and scrawl to just distract my mind for the moment. 

My daughter turned 18. She had a very lovely birthday celebrationing. Birthday breakfast at our local waffle restaurant. Driving with friends. Ice cream cake. Getting her own wonderful present along with the ones we got her. And then she had a sleepover. 

I've been processing everything that has happened. This month is one of those that can just be done and over now.

I went with my best friend to a smash room, it was the best most cathartic and therapeutic things I've ever done. It was completely worth every single penny. 

I've been feeling all the feelings and every part of what it's a strange but necessary grieving is. 

Struggles

Some days are really great. Some, not so much. It's all part of the process.

I'm deep in all of the pieces of grieving someone who's still alive. Not the first time I've had to do this but this time is different. This time it's a completely changed narrative of the story. I'll get thru this. 

My Papa

My dad was one really great man. He gave me passion for music and live shows. He gave everyone kindness, gratitude and to attempt to see the goodness of any situation. Man, he was one cool guy.  He's been gone for 31 years. In the short time that I got to have him in my life, I'm grateful for that. I miss him today and everyday.

Determined

 Today is going to be a good day. I'm making it so. So much gets thrown at me but I'm not letting it bring me down. There's a process to all of this and I'm going to grieve and let the emotions come when they need to. But I'm not letting this rule me. There's too much goodness in life to let that happen. I need a minute and then I'm going to just let this all go. It's a day off happiness and celebrations for my daughter's bestie and we are going to make it epic! So much joy and love and so little time. 

Silver linings

 Today is one that I'm giving myself grace and sympathy. I might just stay in bed all day. I'm going to listen to some good music and feel all of the feelings wherever they take me.

 Going into all of this with an open mind and positivity. But I'll also have my moments along the way. The good thing about the universe giving me a nudge in the right direction is that I didn't pick up my life and move to find out that things would fall apart when I got there.

 Right now I'm a mix of everything. Anger and hurt and sadness and happiness and confusion. All wrapped up into one little ball. "The do I need a hug, a blow torch, a shovel, a nap, a bottle of the strong stuff, or just a pedicure?" My dear friend summed it well. I'm going to feel it and let it take it's course. 

Taking it one day at a time

Emotions can come in a roller coaster wave when you least expect it. One minute angst and animosity. Then sadness and longing for answers. Then an overwhelming wash of peace and a lightness that comes with trying to let all of it go.

7 years is a long time to be wrapped up in something that all of sudden isn't what it appears. I'll let the dust settle, shake my self off and come out from all of this with strength. I'm tougher and resilient, more than I give myself credit for. I've gotten thru hard times. This is different in an aspect, but I will survive. 

I deserve so much more than I was given throughout most of this relationship. Little did I know this is how it would end. But I will live and learn and pick myself back up. For now, it's a process. 

It's been way too long

So much has happened lately. Some things wonderful & some not so much. 

Just in these past 15 days of this month. Life took a curveball unexpectedly but I'm thinking it was the universes way of making me see the big picture clearly. My plans of Virginia & for the future are no longer happening. This mister was not meant for me. I will process this while feeling all the feelings that goes thru it. I will dust myself off & come out shining brightly.

The month began with a wonderful celebration of my daughter graduating high school!! She committed to the college that she was accepted to and will go into the school as an early education major!! We are all so very proud. It was incredible watching her & so many of her friends who have grown up in our home cross the stage to recieve their diplomas! The following weekend, we threw a lovely party for her at a local restaurant. Now we just have her birthday to celebrate- of her turning 18!!!

My son had been working at a local pizza shop but just ended that. He's going to go out on a cross country roadtrip with one of his closest friends & then come home to see what he's going to do next. He's 22 & still has so many plans of what he wants to achieve & accomplish. My daughter has a summer of being a camp counselor & then getting ready for college. It's an exciting time for my babies who are now growing into adulthood.

As for me, I am focusing on the good & what will come next for myself as well. I've got some plans in the works. Also there's concerts. I just spent a weekend seeing the Avett Brothers & have another in the fall. That show will be epic as it's the Outlaw Fest with some amazing musicians, it's Willie Nelson's festival!! I've got the Afghan Wigs (which now has the guitarist from Blind Melon playing with, while melon is on whatever hiatus they are), Brandi Carlile, and AWOLNATION. All of that I'm really excited for! I am going to try to start doing my concert write-ups again. I don't honestly know what made me stop doing them. I think I just got lazy with it. Well that stops now!

I'm going to make this writing a more regular occurrence now. I've got a lot to say from my head & I would love for you to read it. 

Forever and a day

Well so much had happened since I last even thought about this space. I have decided to come back and give it some attention. It truly has been so long. The world shut down in a global pandemic. Then it finally reopened slowly and still has it's setbacks.

It took me almost 2 years before I got to see my love. When we got together finally it was so magical and such an amazing time. Two beautiful bonus granddaughters are now in our life. Being able to travel again has been wonderful but still gives me a bit of anxiety with all the craziness of the virus that caused the world to shut down in the first place. I ended up no longer working at Lowe's anymore and to me, it was the best thing that could have happened.

The band is still practicing in the basement with transitions of a member and now they have really jelled into their growing sound and style. I love Thursdays so much when they all come together. They spent some time this past fall recording and making new tunes. My son is about to turn 22 in just a few short weeks, time flies by so quickly. Still he's the youngest member of the band but it's nice that they won't have to make special accommodations for when they play any shows that are 21+ now, which is pretty cool.

Speaking of how quickly time goes by, we are approaching the end of my daughter's senior year of high school. She is the last class that will walk thru the halls of this school, as the town prepares for the new school to finally open in the fall and this one will come down. It will be the end of an era. College acceptance letters are coming in!! It's pretty incredible. I'm proud of both my kiddos but schooling has been so different for the two of them. But I'm proud of them both, in so many ways.

And oh my, the music and bands that I've been so privileged to see and hear over the last few years has been phenomenal. From Blind Melon, to Avetts & finally getting to see Pearl Jam with all the other bands in between. 

Soon, I get to start it up again this year will some kickass bands to see all over. I'm a spoiled concert goer and I'm so ok with it. Also add into that my incredible voyage back to my home away from home in September that is amazing as well. I'm so ready for it all. I love adventuring and traveling and can't wait to include visits with the love of my life. This year and beyond is going to be epic.

This just is my little nutshell of getting back into writing again. I've made little lists and notes of memories, I might include those as well. I think that could be fun. Until next time.